One Year

Today marks one year since my dad died.  I sat here for about 10 minutes trying to decide what phrase to use -- passed on, passed away, took his last breath -- but in the end, the simplest word seemed the most appropriate.  My dad died.

I wasn't sure what grief was going to look like this past year, but now I know.  It was the sudden pangs in my chest, the burst of tears when I would think of something to tell him, the overall ache of realizing he was truly gone.  I felt that I was somewhat prepared for his death, and I still think I was.  He was suffering, he had lost so much of his brilliant mind at the end, and he was struggling. I know that it was his time, even though it feels like it was much too soon.  But, what I wasn't prepared for was the complete lack of his presence. I wasn't prepared for not being able to talk to him. I wasn't prepared for not being able to hear his opinion on things. I wasn't prepared for him not being here.  I was just prepared for the moment of his death -- not all the moments of my life without him.

And I realized that grief is pretty much a solitary thing.  At least it has been for me.  My journey is mine -- just as everyone's journey is their own.  That's not to say that I haven't received support, for I have.  But the grief my mom has dealt with losing her partner of almost 50 years is much different than mine -- or even my sister's or my brother's grief. I'm grateful that my husband has been here with me and for me.

In the end, life for everyone else has gone on. I wish I could say that I've had some epiphany and embarked on some grand journey to honor him -- but I haven't.  I've just gone on with my life, caring for my family, myself, and working.  Thoughts of him are with me every day. I've honored him by remembering him, by telling my children about him, by keeping his memory in my heart.

Today I will go to work -- teaching Adobe InDesign to a group of people.  I'll probably cry in my truck a bit.  I'll come home, check in on my mom next door, have dinner with my family.  I'll honor my dad by loving and caring for my family the best way I know how -- just as he did.

So Long, 2013 . . .

Last year found us rejoicing when Nate recovered from his weird illness (no relapses! no real answers either!), and watching my dear father slowly, then quickly deteriorate until he died in March.  There's a lot of numbness and grief and sadness that I'm still trying to cope with  - but I'm trying to meet it head on even though sometimes I'm completely overwhelmed.

2008 - I love how Lydia is looking over at my Dad!

August 2013 - our RV

I traveled a bunch for one client, and we traveled quite a bit as a family.  We bought an RV in early spring, which I think was one of the absolute best things we have ever purchased.  We have taken numerous camping trips since, exploring various places in Arizona and California, and look forward to many, many more trips.

So much more happened in 2013.  But to take a glance back to what stands out -- this about covers it.  Family, Death, Grief, and Travel.

Realizing how much I love my husband and depend on him. ( I have never doubted it, but this year situations arose that made it even clearer and dearer in my heart.)

Missing my dad desperately.  I thought I was somewhat prepared, but every day I wish I could talk to him again.

Enjoying the peace and laughter that camping brings the entire family.  Watching our kids explore the wilderness, and our 2 youngest tempt the eldest out of the RV to join them has provided hours of delight.

In 2014, I expect more travel. (Big trips on the horizon - including Europe with my mom & siblings!)

Most of all, I expect more love.  More gratitude.  More peace.

I recently came across this quote from Jim Henson and it seems fitting to kick off 2014. 

“Watch out for each other. Love everyone and forgive everyone, including yourself. Forgive your anger. Forgive your guilt. Your shame. Your sadness. Embrace and open up your love, your joy, your truth, and most especially your heart.”

~ Jim Henson 

I am Mom to a Teenager!

Tonight, I was texting my sister and talking about Colin's birthday and she said "Remember when he would make me draw toes on snowmen??  And now you have a teenager!"

She's right.  When he was very young, he absolutely loved snowmen, even though he didn't see snow until years later.

This morning, I wake up as a mom to a teenager.  This amazing young man who made me a mother turns 13 today.

He's passionate about the things he likes.  He's extremely smart, extremely kind, and extremely thoughtful. He is my most sentimental child, the one who loves tradition. He still loves to read, and still prefers fiction over non-fiction.  When forced to read non-fiction, he has discovered biographies of favorite authors (like Tolkien).  He is excelling in school, and while PE has been a least favorite class, he also discovered this year that he really enjoys playing tennis.

He and Nate are still the best of friends, and while they may not speak a private language anymore, they spend hours together talking, conspiring, and planning who knows what. He's a good big brother to Lydia, always making sure she is safe and taking time to talk with her friends and be a good sport when they coerce him into playing.

He's tall!!  I think he's taller than his aunt, and his feet are as big as mine. His voice is just starting to crack every once in a while, so I'm expecting more cracking as it deepens over this year. His legs are long, as is his hair.  Yes, he has a red mop on his head, but when he was little I always said there were more important things to take a stand on than hair. I'm trying to keep that in mind as I remember what an excellent young man he is, even if his hair is longer and messier than I'd like.

For his 13th birthday, he requested Pei Wei, so we're headed there tomorrow after he competes in a trial game for the National Academic League.  Saturday he begins private tennis lessons, which are one of his birthday presents.  He's also receiving books.  Many books!  As well as a Lord of the Rings Lego set and a few other things.

Today, we will celebrate Colin Jeremiah.  My eldest.  My first-born.  My son.

But, there are plenty of times when I still remember him just like this:

Wordless Wednesday - Peace

Legacy

A couple years ago, Bo bought an ATV.  And then a buggy. And then another ATV.  And another buggy.  (Okay, I don't really know all that is in the side yard -- suffice it to say we have a few of each.) He was excited; he had talked for years about wanting them to ride with the kids. I pretty much stayed out of it. He & the kids have gone riding tons of times since the first one was purchased, and they all had a blast.  For some reason, I steered clear.

Until a month or so ago. Last August, Bo and the boys took a camping trip with a bunch of buggy enthusiasts Bo met online. They had a blast, but I still wasn't interested. This year, we have the RV and Bo asked if I wanted to go. I agreed and we went as a family.

We arrived in the evening, and in the morning Nate asked if I wanted to go for a ride. I climbed into the 2 seater buggy and let my 11yo drive me out on the Cinders. (really amazing area near Flagstaff that is covered in volcanic cinders that makes it great for driving buggies & ATV's.)  He hit the gas and took off!  We flew over bumps and hills and I couldn't stop laughing.  It was an absolute joy!  The harder I laughed, the faster Nate drove, and later I heard that Bo was getting a bit concerned when he saw how fast Nate was driving.  There was no need to worry, as I was having a blast, but he couldn't hear me laughing.

During the weekend, I rode a few more times, and I drove a few times.  It really is fun, and I'm looking forward to the next time we head out.  The video above is one of the rides I took with Bo.

While riding, it brought back a vivid memory of my Dad.  When I was little (I'm thinking 3 or 4?) my parents took me to a small amusement park.  There was a roller coaster and my Dad and I took a ride.  Looking back, I'm sure it was one of those small, kiddie, roller coasters -- but to me at the time it was pretty exciting!  The roller coaster had sharp curves (as roller coasters do!) and I was convinced for years that the only reason the car made those turns was because my Dad was driving and controlling the little car.  I don't remember ever talking to anyone about it, but I knew that I was safe and I remember thinking at the time that I wouldn't ride with anyone but him since I knew he would keep me safe.   It was a great memory to have.

Today is my Dad's birthday.  He would have been 65 years old.  Nate served at Mass this morning, and the homily was about the kind of legacy people leave behind. While it brought many tears this morning, it was also fitting for the day.

I guess I'm not sure what kind of legacy my Dad hoped he would leave behind. But I do know the legacy he left.  He left a legacy of loving your family passionately and unconditionally.  He left a legacy of romance towards my mother. He left a legacy of learning and curiosity. He left a legacy of always doing your best and trying your hardest. Above all things, he was guided by love.  And, I think that's a pretty amazing legacy to leave behind.

RV Camping

 A few months ago, some things fell into place and Bo found an amazing deal on this RV.  We have talked about buying an RV for years, but I admit I never really thought it would happen.  I'm so lucky that my husband tends to find ways for things to happen, even when they seem unlikely.

We have been out in the RV twice now.  The first time was over Memorial Day weekend when Nate was competing in a soccer tournament in Flagstaff.  We stayed at a campground with some other families, and everyone had a great time. We got an idea of things we would need to add to the RV, and got comfortable with the idea of camping. (We have never been camping with the kids -- and Bo & I only went camping a couple times before kids.)

This past weekend, we headed to Happy Jack, AZ. It was about 20 degrees cooler during the day, and dipped into the 40's at night.  After the Valley's highs of 108, the cooler temperatures were welcome!

We wanted to start camping because we wanted to give the kids a chance to explore outdoors and get away from screens.  The joke was on me last weekend, since AT&T has absolutely NO service in Happy Jack, and I was cut off from e-mail, Facebook and searching the web.  I survived, though, and it was well worth it!

Colin did spend a bit of time in the RV with  his 3DS, BUT he asked if we could get a new kickball before we left town, and also asked if we could bring a deck of cards and a travel chess set.  Nate & Lydia were the real explorers and spent plenty of time exploring the woods around the campground.

They found neat things -- like this swing hanging from a random tree in the woods, and a large jawbone.  They wandered the forest and searched for tracks and enjoyed the tall trees.  Nate loved taking pictures.

The RV made cooking meals fairly easy (and who am I kidding?  You guys know that Bo did all the cooking -- but I did do the shopping!)

We had a wonderful time and I couldn't wait to get back this weekend.  Unfortunately, a stop at a service station for an oil change turned up some repairs that need to be made before we should hit the road again.  We're glad we found out about them when we were home and not stranded somewhere and we trust these mechanics, as we've visited them for years.   But, as soon as the repairs are done and we're able -- we will be back out in nature.  I can't wait!

Summer Camps

Nate played on the Hungarian team at camp,
and made chocolate chip bars decorated like the Hungarian flag.

Every summer, we choose camps for the kids to attend based on their interests.  Nate has been attending Challenger Soccer Camp for the last 4 or 5 years and absolutely loves it!  They bring in coaches from the UK to teach the kids for a week, and Nate always leaves feeling great.  It's usually the first camp of the year, because of the heat.  He finished up the first week of June.

Then, a random stop found him in another camp this year.  A local AirSoft facility runs a 3 week camp teaching gun safety, etc. and Nate is all over the weapons and tactical maneuvers.  They run it like a military boot camp (well, as much as you can for a bunch of 11 - 17 year olds) and it is right up his alley.  He finished up the first week today and can't wait for next week.

This week found Colin in chess camp.  He enjoys playing, and used to play regularly, but got away from it in the last year.  He has had a great time learning new strategies and playing hours of chess this week.  He is considering whether he wants to go another week, or not.

In just a couple weeks, we'll be attending the National Stuttering Association's Annual Conference.  It's not exactly a camp -- but it's full of workshops so it's sort of like a camp.  It's being held in Scottsdale this year, so the entire family will enjoy the fun that is a NSA Conference.

The week after that conference, Colin and Lydia will head to the Challenger Space Center for Space Camp.  They won't be together in camp, but they offer camps for 1st graders and 7th graders that week.  Colin will be building a telescope (I think) while Lydia will learn about being an astronaut!

And, then I think we only have 2 weeks left before school starts!  Fit in some camping trips and our summer is jam packed with fun! 

What are you doing this summer?

Tell Me Thursday -- Greystoke

Greystoke is the beautiful cat in this picture, who was rescued by my sister this week. But this picture really isn't about the cat. It's about the beautiful woman who is my sister, who has held my heart from the moment my mom brought her home from the hospital.

A person couldn't dream of a better sister -- loving, caring, not afraid to tell me when I'm unreasonable, and able to make me laugh until my sides hurt or I spit out my drink.

And my kids couldn't have a better aunt -- fun, loving, adventurous, kind, dependable, and always ready to listen.

My life is so much richer with her in it. And her kitties are lucky to spoiled by her, too!

Tell Me Thursday - hands

This is a very difficult "Tell Me Thursday" post to write. This picture is my hand in my father's hand, taken sometime last week. It's also the lock screen on my phone.

He spent the last couple weeks under hospice care, and left this world late Monday night.  He battled long and hard, but finally reached a point where he couldn't fight anymore.

My Dad loved his family above all else.  His love for my mom began in high school and continued unwavering for 48 years. She was the light of his eye, and his constant companion.  He was her protector.  My Dad was a romantic - always writing her love poems and notes, and showering her with jewelry.  Their example of commitment and love started me well in my own marriage.

He adored his children. I remember one year that he was on a business trip that was during my birthday, and he made a special effort to return the night of my birthday.  I also remember him leaving little gifts on my desk when we worked in the same government office early in my career.

We never hung up the phone, or walked out the door, without saying " I love you! "  There is no doubt that I was well-loved by my father.  And that love was multiplied for my sister and my brother.  When I would be out with him, he would regale pretty much anybody who would listen to stories about his 3 children (and his 3 grandchildren as well!)

There's a million more stories I could tell. It's tough right now.

My sister and I were with him, each holding one of his hands and telling him how much we loved him in his last moments.  I held his hand in the last couple months more than I had in the last couple decades. I wish I had held them more often. You never know when the last time may be.

Tough few months

Some of you may remember back in November when I mentioned that Nate had a mysterious illness that affected his ability to walk.  He had 2  hospitalizations, one which culminated in sending him home in a wheelchair.  He is so much better than he was (plans to return to altar serving and soccer next week!) but he's yet to be 100%.  We're still visiting specialists and trying to make sure he doesn't have a relapse.

And, then, there have been my kidneys.  I had another attack in November, followed by another in December, then a doozy in January that knocked me flat for a few weeks.  It's so difficult because I have no warning, and then I'm down.  It's frustrating for the company I contract with, since I have had to cancel at the  last minute a few classes now and it's hard to replace me at the last minute.  I'm slowly returning to teaching, but . . .

My dad, who has been sick for quite a while, has recently taken a turn for the worse. A little over a week ago, a decision was made to accept hospice care in his home.  My mom is an amazing caregiver, but he requires 24/7 care these days and so I've been doing what I can to support them both.

There's more to each of those stories, but it explains why I've been missing in action mostly these days.  Because, of course, there's more to life than just what I've posted, but those things have probably taken up the bulk of my time and effort.  If you've been wondering where I am, though -- now you know!

2012 Meme

“For last year's words belong to last year's language 

And next year's words await another voice.” 

― T.S. Eliot

I've done this for the last 5 years (2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011) I may as well keep it up another year. If you decide to play along on your blog, leave a comment so I can read your 2012 recap.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
I became certified in almost all the Microsoft products and also became a Microsoft Certified Trainer.  I've trained software for a long time, but now I'm official with Microsoft.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I set none for last year, so I guess I kept them just fine!  I don't think I'm going to make any this year, but I'm going to choose a word for the year -- INTENTIONAL.  We'll see next year how good I was at keeping that word.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
The eldest daughter of a dear friend gave birth this month.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nobody close to me died in 2012.

5. What countries did you visit?
None

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Peace

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I can't think of any red-letter days, but there were plenty of days full of love.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Becoming a MCT was a pretty big achievement.  Another was presenting with Nate at the annual NSA Conference.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Nothing I would share with the Internet :)~

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
More kidney issues. Hoping everything is resolved in 2013.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I can't think of any outstanding purchases.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My husband, who supports and loves me through everything.



13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I was appalled and depressed by the behavior of a few people.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgages, medical bills

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Trips to the beach and Grand Canyon with my family.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
None comes to mind.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a) sadder; b) about the same; c) about the same

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Travel.  Alone and as a family. 

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying about other people and what they thought and how they felt.  Plan on doing less of that this year, without a doubt.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
We enjoyed a quiet, peaceful day in our home. My kids thoroughly enjoyed the gifts they received and spending time together as a family. We attended Christmas day mass for the first time in a long time (usually we go on Christmas Eve)  We may have started a new tradition by going out to dinner, as our original plans fell through, and I had no groceries since I wasn't planning on making the meal.

21. Did you fall in love in 2012?
I fell deeper in love with my husband -- it's such a cliche but it's true that as the years go by I find new depths of my love for him.

22. How many one-night stands?
None.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
I like Las Vegas (long time Dennis Quaid fan) and Elementary

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nope

25. What was the best book you read?
I read a ton of books this year.  It's hard to pick out the best -- but reading L.M. Montgomery's compilation of short stories may be near the top of my favorites this year.  Short, sweet, gentle and just what I needed during the period of time when I read them.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I enjoyed Willie Nelson's Christmas album that he released this year.  One of my grandmothers really enjoyed his music, although she always followed that up with the fact she didn't like the way he looked. Not only was it a beautiful album, it reminded me of her.

27. What did you want and get?
I got a new camera for my birthday -- something that I really wanted. For Christmas, I received some gorgeous earrings from my husband.

28. What did you want and not get?
Won't say, but it's something that I have realized I'll never have and I'm getting to the point of being okay with that.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Hobbit (I didn't see many movies this year, but the boys read the Hobbit, and I re-read it, and we saw the movie together. It was fun to share all of that with them.)

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 45 this year. Bo was in Vegas, again.  I worked.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Winning the lottery.  A really big lottery.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Simple (boring)

33. What kept you sane?
A good friend. the Kindle app. my fluffy down comforter.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No big crushes this year.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
I'm not a big political issue type of person. I have my views, and I keep them quiet for the most part -- doing what I can to further what I believe is important. Nothing stirred me enough to prompt me to post on the Internet about it.

36. Who did you miss?
I missed my grandparents. They've all been gone for a number of years, but I still miss the fact that they truly loved me unconditionally.  Even if there were times they may not have liked me, they never let on and I only felt their love.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I met someone new this year that helped me grow as a person, even if I struggled with it.  I found myself frustrated at times, but I know I learned some things and in the end, I'm grateful this person was in my life.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.
“Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.” 
― Denis Waitley

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

That’s the only way I know
Don’t stop till everything’s gone
Straight ahead never turn round
Don’t back up, don’t back down
Full throttle wide open
You get tired, you don’t show it
Dig a little deeper when you think you can’t dig no more
That’s the only way I know

-- Jason Aldean, The Only Way I Know  

String Project Recital

When we made the switch from homeschooling to public school, I remember the morning that we visited the school and learned about the different opportunities.  In fourth grade, kids were able to join the orchestra and Colin was entering fourth grade.  I encouraged him to talk to the orchestra teacher that morning, and he wanted nothing to do with the idea.  I remember feeling frustrated and annoyed, then surprised a week later when he came home and told us that he wanted to join the orchestra!

He chose the viola that year, and is in the 3rd year of playing. In the second half of that first year, I learned about a program through ASU's School of Music called the String Project.  They offered group lessons once a week at an amazing cost ($35 for 10 weeks!)  Colin joined and had so much fun he has been working with the group ever since. At the end of each semester, the classes put on a recital at the School of Music, which is always enjoyable.  Last year, he joined the Fiddle class as well as the String Project class.

Again, he didn't think he could fiddle (it requires memorizing the music,) and I admit I pushed a bit (again), but if you ask him today he would tell you how much he loves to fiddle.  And, yes, he managed to memorize the music just fine!

The teachers are learning to be music teachers, and have such fun with the kids.  The program has grown quite a bit since we joined, and the recital tonight almost didn't fit in the hall where it's always held. I'm interested to see where it goes, as Lydia informed us tonight that she wants to be in Strings, too!

I am very proud of Colin and his commitment to musical groups.  I confess that I wish he would practice more often -- but his school orchestra teacher says he does wonderfully and he has become a leader of the extra fiddle group at school that meets before school once a week.  He tells me that he loves music, and will even admit that he is glad that I pushed him to consider orchestra 3 years ago.

Nate played string bass with the String Project classes this semester as well, but unfortunately, he wasn't up to playing at the recital tonight.  It's been a long road to recovery, but we see him improving quite a bit finally.  He is still weak, though, and needs plenty of rest.  He loves music, too, and we hope that he'll be back to performing very soon.

Thanksgiving & Room Renovations

A few weeks ago, I pushed a bit hard and finally got Bo to agree to work on re-doing the boys' bedrooms.  We had talked about heading to California the day after Thanksgiving, but instead decided to stay home so he could focus on the rooms.  We decided to start with Nate's room -- paint, rip out the carpet, lay down laminate floor, remove the too-tall platform bed and build a new, shorter platform bed.  (While I say that "we" decided, please know that ALL the work was done by Bo. He's awesome)

On Tuesday before Thanksgiving, I received a phone call from the school nurse.  I rushed over, picked up Nate and took  him immediately to the ER.

He was admitted, and this picture you see was from the Thanksgiving meal he and I enjoyed at the hospital cafeteria.   Yes, it was quite the eventful holiday.  Thankfully, he was released in the late afternoon and we made it home to enjoy Thanksgiving with family.  (That Bo spent all day cooking - so I'm glad we were able to make it home and enjoy it.)

We still aren't sure what is wrong, but life-threatening, scary things were ruled out.  He is weak, and cannot yet return to school. The holidays meant that nobody was open on Friday to start setting up appointments, so we have the first follow up tomorrow.

His dad worked tirelessly on his bedroom and it is 90% complete. The blue stripes are on his wall to look like Shelby stripes (the car.)  It was a ton of work, but it probably gave him a great place to channel some energy as we worry about our sweet boy.

We are hoping that the symptoms suddenly disappear as they suddenly appeared, but are ready to do whatever is necessary.  We are grateful that it doesn't appear to be life-threatening, but we are also hoping for some answers in the coming days.

Hug your kids and loved ones tight tonight. Things can happen in the blink of an eye.

Happy Birthday to my Eldest

Colin, still 11, on the shores of Lake Michigan

This boy is turning 12 years old today!  At the moment, he's 2000 miles away, but before the day is over he'll be back home!  He requested rotisserie chicken, jasmine rice, cauliflower and marble cake with vanilla icing for his birthday dinner and that's just what he'll have!  I need to remember to pick up sparkling juice before he gets home as we have gone through our entire stash.

Colin is bright, inquisitive, passionate, thoughtful, kind, musical, artistic, loving, considerate and an all-around great kid. He loves to read, write, draw cartoons, play his viola, create origami and play video games. 

He has a strong bond with his siblings, as evidenced this week when he made the effort to call and speak to them while he was away. When he talked to Lydia, he asked her what she thought he was going to give her when he got home, and when she asked what, he replied with "A Big HUG!"  She squealed in delight and replied, "I just LOVE your big hugs!"  I know he has missed them, even while having a good time seeing family and spending time just with his dad.

He wants to attend ASU, and someday work for NASA.  He will tell you that he has NO interest in going into space! He wants to work in mission control, staying firmly on the ground. He hopes that there will be a space program when he's older. 

He thinks carefully about things, and cares how people feel.  I like to have conversations with him, to hear his thoughts and opinions on many varied topics. He is proud of his large vocabulary, and likes to tell people he knows so many words because his mom home-schooled him.

He's the child I never thought I would have. I cherish the days we have together, and am grateful for the joy he brings to my life.

Happy Birthday, Colin!  You are much loved!

One of my Favorite Holiday Traditions

*Disclosure: This vlog was sponsored by Your Santa Story, who work with Santa to send out personalized videos for Christmas morning.  All opinions stated are my own.*

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yep, today is my birthday!  As the picture shows, I was born with a ton of hair - as I'm only a couple days old in this shot.

My husband is out of town on my birthday for the third year in a row.   I admit I'm a bit sad about that.

The last 2 years it was for work, this year it's because his dad is getting married.  It was a bit of short notice, so we couldn't all head back to the Midwest (plus, it's COLD there), so he and Colin left last night to help his Dad celebrate. Before he left, he gave me an awesome birthday gift -- a new Canon Rebel camera. My old DSLR hasn't been working well, and while we've been a Nikon family for years, I'm excited to put the Canon through its paces.  It's important to me to take pictures to document our lives and cement memories, so a camera is very dear to me.

At least my parents and sister are here, so I can celebrate with them and 2/3 of my kids today. We'll make some memories of this birthday!

When I was very young, we lived in the same town as my mom's sister and I have one cousin that was born 3 years, minus a day after me.  When we were little, we often celebrated our birthdays together at my great-grandmother's home and I remember those days fondly.  I wish I could find a picture, as I know there are a few around!

Another birthday memory I have was when I was probably 11 or 12?  We lived far away from extended family by then, and my dad was out of town.  I expected him to be gone on my birthday, but he came home the evening of my birthday.  I can remember being so happy when he walked in the door!  I'm not sure if he cut his trip short, but I know that it was important in our family to spend our birthdays together.

I remember my 25th birthday because my grandfather passed away. I was in college and rented a limo and had planned to bar hop that night, but instead the hospital called me in the afternoon to ask me to come and be with my grandmother.  I remember thinking that they had argued with her again over my grandfather's care, but actually they didn't want to tell me over the phone that he had died.  I canceled the limo and spent the evening at a funeral home instead.

The first birthday I spent with Bo he bought me warm hiking-type boots because we lived in Milwaukee and I didn't wear appropriate shoes for the weather and he was worried about me.  I love those boots and still have them in my closet, even though I don't need them to tramp through snow anymore.

Then, there was my 33rd birthday when I was hugely pregnant and Bo took me to a steak house where I devoured a huge steak and baked potato.  I remember it was delicious and people commented on how hugely pregnant I was.  Colin was born 4 days later.

I remember last year's birthday because my sweet mom made me a cake that collapsed (her oven was faulty - she's really an excellent baker) and she tried to disguise it with a huge river of golden sugar.  It was also held together with skinny wooden dowels.  It has to be the ugliest cake I've ever seen, but it will never be forgotten!!

The important thing to me always are the people and the memories in my life.  What really matters is the experience of life - not the things of life.  Even the year that my grandfather died, while of course I was full of grief for losing him, it was important that I was there for my grandmother and able to help support her during that time (my mom & aunt both lived far away and arrived in the next couple days.)  And, even though Bo is 2000 miles away today, the memories that we build each and every day in our home build a life I love.

Summer is Over, Already?

Considering that it is still 116 outside, I know many do not believe summer is over, but my kids started school last week, which signals the end of summer break.

Lydia, our warrior princess, started Kindergarten.  She is extremely excited about it, and rather peeved that after 3 days she still has NO homework.  Clearly, that teacher doesn't quite understand her job.  She is also frustrated at the 3yo work she is being asked to do, since she learned how to draw lines years ago!  But, she is loving meeting new friends, and she enjoys riding the bus.

Nate is in 5th grade this year, and has the same teacher Colin had last year.  She is a good teacher, who already knows Nate, and I am sure she will build a positive classroom.  His other 5th grade teacher is the same teacher he had in 4th grade, so there isn't a lot of new transition going on with teachers.

Colin is in 6th grade, which means that this is the only year all 3 will be in the same school.  He is excited about his teachers, feels great about his writing teacher, and is looking forward to a "Space Mission" project for 6th graders.

The summer seemed to fly by, but we made a bunch of great memories and had a lot of fun.  Since the end of May, we:

• Took a trip to California, and visited the beach, as well as La Brea Tar Pits
• Attended our first ComicCon (which I wasn't too sure about, but my brother really wanted to take the kids.  I am very glad we went, because the kids had some fantastic encounters with young adult authors and it was a great day.)
• Lydia attended summer camp at the Desert Botanical Gardens (She attended preschool classes there last year, and she's going to miss that this year -- but hopefully she can head back next summer for another camp.)
• Nate attended soccer camp with Challenger Sports and practiced with his club soccer team.
• Nate took private bass lessons to boost his skills.
• We took in a bunch of movies at the local cheap show
• We swam (we'll keep swimming for a couple months . . . )
• Nate & I headed to St. Petersburg, FL for the National Stuttering Association Conference
• Colin attended camp at the Challenger Space Center (which he declared absolutely awesome! They did math every day! It really challenged the kids to think about astronomy.  To see him so excited about camp, it was well worth the tuition and the long drive.)
• Spent a weekend at a local resort so the kids could enjoy the fancy pools.  We tried Hilton Squaw Peak this year, and found it okay. The kids prefer the water features at Arizona Grand.  Next year, we'll be at the Kierland Scottsdale for the National Stuttering Conference.
• Bo & I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary, which means that in a couple weeks we'll celebrate 17 years since our first blind date.  My parents have graciously offered to watch the kids for the night in a few weeks so we can get away.

The school year has begun, and our calendar is filling up quickly.  Lydia has started tball, Nate's club soccer team joined a league so they can play more often, musical group opportunities are going to open up, and who knows what else.  I'm excited about this year, and can't wait to see what it brings!

"Love Him Through It"

There's no doubt that I love all my children.  Desperately, passionately, loudly at times. They all have their quirks, and they all have their sweetness and sometimes one struggles more than usual with everyday life.

My smart, empathetic, kind eldest child said recently  --

"We just have to love him through it"

How true is that in so many situations we find ourselves in day to day?  "We just have to love him through it."

I loved that he said it, that he thought it, that he is truly trying to live it.  (Nobody's perfect . . . and that's okay . . . the effort is there and some moments it is a monumental effort.)

We should all remember that simple statement.  "We just have to love him through it."  And remember as well, there are plenty of times when those around you are loving you through it and they deserve the same in return.

Nine Years Ago . . .

I started this blog nine years ago.

I had been reading blogs (none of which exist anymore) and I felt like a bit of a voyeur always reading but never sharing.  So, I decided to start my own.

I chose the name because I love the sunshine in Arizona, and even when you're flat broke, you can still lay claim to your own patch of sunshine.

Nine years ago I had two in diapers.  Cloth diapers! Nate was just barely one year old and Colin was 2 1/2.

A year and a half earlier Bo and I built our home.  We've been here ever since. (And had the strangest interaction with a neighbor on the street behind us last night -- after 11 years of not knowing she existed, she decided to shout across the street and over our brick fence how much she disliked us. I'm hoping we don't hear from her for another 11 years.)

When I look back over the years of writing on this blog, I can see the changes my life took --

• the rhythm of our days
• our choice to homeschool
• our visits to local places
• our travels beyond our city
• the announcement when I was pregnant with Lydia
• her birth
• our choice to stop homeschooling
• information about Nate's stuttering
• involvement with brands and PR folks
• my decision to return to work part-time
• the growth of all my children

There's also plenty that happened that never made the pages of the blog.  Because while I may have made the decision over the last 9 years to write a blog, I never made the decision to expose every area of my life.  There's plenty that readers of this blog don't know about me or my family, and I think that's how it should be.

Blogging has changed dramatically over the last decade.  So many women start blogs now with the intention of earning money, or receiving free products.  A decade ago, people blogged to share their lives.  It allowed me to visit with other moms, who were making decisions and struggling and succeeding.  It allowed me to not feel so alone when I first became a SAHM.  I loved knowing other moms who cloth diapered (since I didn't know anyone locally), and I first learned about homeschooling via blogs.

I'm guilty, though, of changing the focus of this blog over the years. My kids are all older, and so many of their stories belong to them and I won't share them on the Internet and potentially embarrass them.  I don't have as much time to share my life because I'm busy living that life.  And, I'm guilty, too of accepting products in exchange for reviews.  (But, we've learned about and used some really great things as a result!  So, while I may be guilty of that -- I have to also admit that I'm not apologizing for it.)

I love looking back and seeing what I thought, and what I said, and what was important at different points in the last 9 years. I miss those "this is what we did today" posts, but I don't know if I could get back to writing them.  This blog has evolved, along with my life.

As I write this, I realize that it sounds like I'm gearing up to quit.  But, I'm not.  I love this medium and I love connecting with readers.  I love being able to read my archives and remember how Nate didn't want to turn 4.  I'll never be one of the big hotshot "mommy" bloggers because I don't want to play that game.  I'm happy with my little patch on the Internet.

I hope you keep reading!

Double Digits

My middle child turns 10 today.  He has been excited for this birthday for a long time, because not only does he turn "double digits", but he is also only 6 years away from a driver's license.  His grandmother said to him yesterday, "You'll wait until 30 to drive, right?" and he looked at her and could do nothing but laugh.

This boy loves his cars.  He always has loved cars -- when he was small it was toy trucks and cars.  During this past year, he has developed a love of hot rods and especially Ford Mustangs. He can recite facts about cars like some people can rattle off their favorite foods. While Mustangs may be his favorite, he watches all kinds of cars and has passed along his ability to spot cars on the freeway to his sister.  If he could, he would like to have us buy him a car so he could spend the next 6 years working on it so it was ready to go when he gets that driver's license.

Beyond his obsession with cars, he still loves all things military and weapons.  He hopes to attend the Air Force Academy and become a pilot.  He prefers non-fiction books over fiction books, but this year he did read a few fiction books that he really enjoyed (Holes, for one.)  He would still prefer to pore through his Mustang reference book, or a book about warriors.

He adores being outdoors and loves that summer is almost here with triple digit temperatures. He likes all things about nature, and loves to explore.

He is generous, compassionate, friendly and kind-hearted. He is always the first to jump and help out with a task. He has a positive and can-do attitude. He truly enjoys being with his family, and he shares very special and close bonds with both his brother and sister.

He also likes to be alone, and can be very quiet and contemplative.  That is, when he's not being loud and rowdy.

I remember the night I went into labor.  Bo had told me earlier that day not to worry about the car seat because I was 4 weeks away from my due date.  Nate, however, had other plans and decided it was time to be born.  My sweet friend drove from the other side of the valley at 2AM to care for Colin while Bo & I went to the hospital.  Of my 3, his was the easiest birth and it was amazing to bring him into the world.

For his birthday this year, he started horseback riding lessons.  He is loving them so far.  Later today, he'll also receive an audiobook, a manga drawing kit and a promise for a new cowboy hat.  Family is coming over for dinner and we'll enjoy his requested dinner of bacon hamburgers and mashed potatoes.  We'll take his picture in front of our inflatable birthday cake.

He requested a plane cake.  I haven't made a fancy cake in a few years (his last was the bulldozer when he turned 6), but the child is turning 10 -- so how could I refuse?  It made for a late night last night, but he'll have a cake that looks like a plane tonight!

Today, on May 15, 2012, I wish my Nathaniel (who prefers to go by Nate) a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

**The first pictures are from when he was 4 -- the youngest pictures I have right now on my computer.  The rest were taken yesterday -- his last day of being 9.**